A Coffee Date

It's about that time I think -

With January behind us still not sure where it went I thought I would sit down to coffee with all of you.

I take mine with milk, cream + sugar. Just one. 

And I'm probably wearing black leggings, a cozy turtleneck and my ugg boots.

Because it has been FREEZING in Toronto.

I prefer a seat by the fire if one is available.

Please and thank you.

Is it just me or the older you get, the quicker time goes?

I feel like school just started for the kids and here we are - staring at March Break.

And then back at it for a few more months.

And BOOM - Summer.

I'm not sure I like this.

My Isabella is almost done 3rd year of university.

I feel the same way about this as I do the above - I swear we were visiting schools trying to decide where she might go, like, yesterday. 

She's doing very well and has decided on a marketing major with a minor  in psychology and personally, I still think she should go that route.

I still remember so vividly how good she was with dealing with Julian when he was struggling so badly.

More patient than I was some days.

It really was touching to watch -

Alas, who ever agrees with their mother??

If you follow along with us on instagram you'll already have seen her new look.

I swear it's like looking into a mirror of myself all those years ago.

Except her colour is exactly the right shade and mine, well, wasn't.  

 Ms. Ava Grace is eight and three-quarters and still the same always happy ALWAYS TALKING little girl.

Albeit, her shoe size is that of a woman's.

And she seemingly outgrows all of her clothing each week.

I call her my little giraffe. Long legs and the tallest child in her grade.

She probably hates that.

I'm sure Cindy Crawford did too.

She is so inquisitive - always asking questions about everything.

All I can say is thank goodness for google since I don't know about you, but I know exactly nothing about the land formation of northern Canada or any land formation really. 

She's a fan of macarons, youtube anything and dancing more than she walks.

I hope that pure joy never changes.

My Julian is doing world's better.

And I feel it's all owed to never giving up on him and providing pure, unconditional love.

I assure you, this isn't always easy. He is miserable in the morning, in the evening and sometimes in between.

But some days, some days are so good.

He comes up to my room just to say hello.

To give me a kiss.

Or to tell me he loves me.

He is by far the most sensitive of the three.

Sometimes brought to tears just by talking about the mortality of my mother - his nana.

He recently lost a friend in a horrible car accident and I find his memorial card next to his bedside each morning.

It has taught me a lot about who he truly is.

And he is truly good.

Also, I'm not sure when but he's become a little man seemingly overnight.

He loves to call himself the "man of the house". Hysterical really since he does exactly nothing to earn that title other than leave his clothes everywhere and eat out the refrigerator on the daily. 

I'm still trying to hold it all together.

Be there for my children while trying to maintain my sanity and squeeze in a bit of me time every once in a while.

I've worked hard on tightening up my circle.

Keeping only those I truly know have my best intentions at heart in it.

And nurturing the relationships I know are present for the right reasons.

Like this one who loves all of us unconditionally and doesn't want for much other than our love back.

And food.

Ms. Sofie also wants lots of that.

Happy Wednesday indeed.

Stealing Memories : A Giveaway with Canvas Factory

I will say, it's not technically stealing per se since I am the one that took this photograph in the first place. But I did secretly do this for my girl. The day of her high school prom, we took what some might consider a ridiculous amount of pictures. But this one? It stood out for me.

The pure innocence of it combined with the pure joy on my Isabella's face. Still makes me melt every time I look at it. And if every picture tells a story - this one tells one of my favourites.

Canvas Factory made it so simple for me to create this keepsake for her - which she may or may not have received on the morning of her 19th birthday. Tons of available options for sizing, colour and effects; but somehow, I always go back to classic black + white. {you may notice my Julian's canvas in the background #creatureofhabit}

The team at Canvas Factory is giving you a chance to win a canvas of your own. Sized {like the one above} 16 x 20. And perfect for gift-giving to someone you love or better yet, keep this one for yourself.

Open to residents of Canada + the U.S.

a Rafflecopter giveaway



Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

                                                                                                                 - Dr. Suess

Life Lately

Some days, I feel like my life is just a whirlwind of waking up, frantically getting everyone ready for school, downing a coffee, rushing out of the house, drop offs and then, starting it all over again the next day.

Oh yes, there is pick up and dinner at some point.

Although the latter seems to be scarcer as the days go on.

Don't get me wrong - we do actually eat.

It's just not as thought out as it once was.

I told someone recently that I always overcook.

So used to prepping for a family of five - and now, between work and school for all - it's not often enough that we all sit down at the same time.

Some days, I just give up.

Others, I pretend to be super domestic and cook for days ahead.

It's a delicate balancing act.

But it works.

Isabella is in her 2nd year of university and is so dedicated to her schooling - honestly, she makes me so proud.

I can't say I had that same dedication.

I often think life should be lived in reverse.

Today, I think school would so be my thing.

Then, not so much.

My girl is driving. Working. Helping with her younger brother. Super independent.

I try to teach her every day not to rely on anyone.

She will learn that on her own I am sure; but raising strong girls has always been top priority for me.

Julian spends his days at school, gaming and making his little sister crazy.

Not necessarily in that order.

He is in 10th grade - almost half way through high school.

I remember Isabella telling me how quickly - too quickly - those years went. And how often she wishes she could go back to what now seem like such carefree years.

In just a few short years, at the tender age of 17, these kids need to decide the course of their future.

Even when they can barely decide what they want to eat for breakfast.

Just way, way too young.

My boy still feels he's going to be either a pro gamer, you-tuber or a rapper.

And I want him to be a dreamer.

At least for a little while longer, non?

Ava.

Oh, Ava.

This child is something else entirely.

I've always said she was sent here for a reason - meant to be here among us.

But she has been here before.

Of that I am sure.

Her vocabulary rivals that of a 25 year old. The things that come out of her mouth amaze me on the daily.

Currently, she's obsessed with all things dance.

Watching episodes of The Next Step likes it's her job.

And making comments like "Mom, I can't believe Jacquie likes Noah. Do you see his side profile? His nose?!"

#whoisthischild

Me? I'm just trying to slow things down.

Not worry so much about everything getting done.

I've found that no matter how hard you try, the laundry will still pile up. The ironing will still sit for days. The dust will come back. And the to-do list will always seem never-ending.

The now however, we can't get back.

So my goal this year?

Appreciate the little things. They truly are the big things in the end.

Happy Monday.

xo



Christmas Gift Guide 2017 : For Him

Apparently, the most wonderful time of the year is just around the corner.

I've been in a blur of family.work.sleep..repeat I must say, it just kinda crept up on me this year. 

But, no matter how hard I try, I just can't get away from Christmas shopping.

The list gets shorter but somehow, more expensive. Anyone else?

Today, I'm sharing my picks for the men in your life. 

Bonus points for gifts that are really for you, like the first one.

Ahem.

1. Tell me this doesn't look like the coziest hoodie you've ever seen. Men + velour = not so sure but I'm thinking it's worth a try. If it doesn't work out, see last line above. I mean really, it's the gift that just keeps on giving. Available at Bloomingdales, here, $80. {25% off now for f+f event}

2. My dad is obsessed with Sudoku. OBSESSED. When I'm picking up Ava after work, I often find him at the kitchen table solving a puzzle. I think he would love this wooden version that you can play again + again. Find it here, $18.

3. My nephew came to visit this past weekend following an afternoon of Christmas shopping. He smelled ridiculously good - and this Valentino Intense cologne is what he was wearing. Think clean, woodsy and modern. Also, rockstud bottle? YES PLEASE. Available here, $90.

4. The older I get, the more I like things from the past. I recently dug out a bunch of my old records and honestly, what a trip. It really does bring you back to a time when things were so much simpler - I think this is the perfect gift for any say, 35+ something or anyone who actually knows that at one point in time, we actually used to buy physical music. What? What?

Find it here, $80.

5. I almost {key word almost} forgot about Acca Kappa since their store in Etobicoke closed down. Good news! All of the product is still available on-line through their site. 

This is a long-time favourite of mine; the quality and the smell (!) is incredible. 

Try the hand cream for your powder room. Trust me, you'll thank me. 

For him, this might be a nice addition. Available on-line, here. $38.

6. I have been a longtime fan of Canadian line Matt and Nat; all vegan with simplistic styles that are always right. This messenger bag is perfection non? And the price won't break the bank. Plus, they literally last forever. Available here, $220.

7. OK, so here's something. These Salvatore Ferragamo gancini slides would make the perfect addition to his travel wardrobe - PLUS, it would mean he would actually need to travel somewhere. PLUS, it would have to be warm. PLUS, he would need company.

So really, yet again, it's a gift for you diguised as a gift for him. 

And really, aren't those the best kind? Find them here, $195.

So tell me, have you started your Christmas shopping yet?

I'm a no.

#sigh

Nineteen : Dear Izzy

 Dear Izzy,

Funny how we call you that.

When I chose your name, I envisioned calling you Bella.

Not sure we've ever called you that - even once.

You were Isabella.

My first born.

My heart.

And today, as you turn 19, you're just Izzy.

Isabella.

I want so many things for you.

But most of all, I want you to be whoever you want to be.

Just like my mother before you allowed me to be exactly what I wanted.

Never judging.

Even when I did the craziest stuff imaginable.

I know I made her insane most days.

Today - I realize that her reactions were those of unconditional love.

The same type of love I have for you my beautiful girl.

You are me.

More than the others.
I know everyone tells you that - but Izzy, you are far more.
You pick up where I left off and do better.
Pushing yourself harder than I ever did.
Without any prompting from anyone.
No matter how many times I tell you to go easy on yourself.
You just continue to be the best that you can be.
Often at the expense of yourself.

You care so much about what is right.
Just.
And are sensitive. And kind. And thoughtful.
I like to think you learned some of this from me.
I hope I instilled in you that giving is so much sweeter than receiving.
That not everyone will appreciate your efforts - and that those need to be done for no one but yourself.
That speaking your mind and sharing your wisdom should never not be an option.
That you are beautiful on the outside but far, far more beautiful on the inside.
And that the right boy will care about that far more than how you present yourself to the world.

I have done many of the things you are doing before you.
And made many of the same mistakes.
Some days, the toughest part of being your mother is not warning you enough about those.
Not always catching you before you fall.
And days where even I can't stop the tears - of heartbreak or of frustration.
Know that I have cried a river before you.
And if I could, would take each of your tears as my own.

Your smile lights up a room little girl.
And my wish for you, on this day, and every day is that your smiles outweigh your sadness.
That your heart is always full.
And that you are always treated - by everyone - the way you DESERVE to be treated.

No one will ever love you like I do.
My baby girl.
Then, today, always.

xo
mama

Learning through the Process

Be warned.

This is a very personal post and one that has been burning inside me for some time.

It may not be what you have come to expect from this little space.

But I am different than I was before.

The softness than once was has somehow hardened - I believe pain can do that to a person.

The realizing that things you once thought were - are not. And will never be.

If you have read this post - you will know where I am at now.
When you decide to leave a marriage, I don't think you realize what the true outcome will eventually be.
I know I did not.
I did not think that a family that I knew for over 20 years would not offer a single ounce of support. Ever. Not a one.
You see, I never even got one single phone call to see how I was/am coping.
And that is ok.
But not to see how I am doing with 3 children in tow?
Unforgiveable.
They forget.
They forget all of the celebrations put together so lovingly.
The early morning conversations following a night of babysitting.
The support when they suffered similiarly.
The struggle of drug abuse and an auntie who stepped in big time and loved on that boy like he was my very own.
They forget.
It makes you question why you did things.
And though I did everything with an open heart - I wonder today if perhaps I should have held back.
Been not as true to myself as I was.

Friends you thought you had?
You may not.
My lifelong friend - one who has been a big part of my life since I was a mere three years old?
She has yet to see me a single time since hearing the news of our separation and pending divorce.
It has been a year and a half.
Is life really that busy?
Or do you truly just not give a shit?
Funny enough. She is a religious person.
I do not understand a religion that does not encourage support. Acceptance. And love.
I'm sorry.
No God would do that.

 And the father of my children?
That is all he has become.
He has thrown words like arrows.
Painful.
And doubts not only everything I say.
But everything I do.
Funny - it was more than good for 18+ years.
Now, apparently, I have become not just a different person.
But a different mother.
I pray for him.
For he knows not what he does.

I encourage you.
Take a good hard look at who is in your life.
Who will be there when the champagne isn't flowing - when you are not running around the kitchen like a mad woman trying to please everyone.
Really look.
Because life can surprise you.
And you might learn - you never really knew them at all.

Rant over.
It's Friday.
Thank God.
xo

Big love to my support system.
You are my six.
M.B.P.V.L.A.

Road Tripping with Canadian Tire

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #CanadianTire #QuakerState #CollectiveBias

Ah, summer in Toronto.

When the warm weather finally came, we began furiously making our way through our Summer Bucket List.

Well, Ava's Summer Bucket List...
At quick glance, you can probably guess which ones I may or may not have added.
I have a funny feeling that we may just get to hers first -

A few weekends ago, we crossed a long-awaited road trip adventure off our list! 

I have forever wanted to walk through a lavender field in Provence; sadly, France is just not in the cards this year.

So, instead, we decided to pack up the car and head north west of the city to a local lavender field.
Terre Bleu really is like a little piece of heaven close to home.

And there also may or may not be a new outlet mall nearby. ahem.

In preparation for the event, we had yet another to-do list to cross off - this time, a prep list of sorts to ensure we were ready to go:

1. Decide on outfits that will look cute in instagram photos

2. Pack a light lunch + snacks

3. Charge the "good" camera

4. Change the oil in the car which may or may not be very slightly overdue

5. Buy new books + small toys for car ride

Our one-stop shop for all things auto is, and has always been, Canadian Tire.
A true Canadian institution.

From coolers {another item to add to my list!} to bug spray to snacks, they've got us covered.

Since I'm planning on doing a lot of driving during the rest of the summer, I purchased the Quaker State® Ultimate Durability™ Full Synthetic Motor Oil for my oil change - it is my usual brand AND the one recommended by the kind folks at Canadian Tire. (the number one oil in Mexico and South America - who knew?)

#winning

Priced super competitively and one of the best on the markets - it helps my truck perform well regardless of how many miles we drive. And drive. And drive.

With a fuel-saving additive that helps promote durability and keep the oil fresh as well as a heat-activated viscosity improver AND anti-wear additive - all of which kick in to maintain the oil's thickness and extend your engine life.

Quaker State oil gives you more durability and more honesty at a price that won't break the bank.

Canadian Tire makes road tripping easy.

And we still managed to look pretty darn good doing it.
If I do say so myself.

 

 

Did you road trip anywhere this summer?

Tell us, what's on your bucket list?

xo

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #CampaignHashtag #CollectiveBias

A Coffee Date

The last time we sat down for coffee was last January.

This is not ok.

I take mine with one sugar, one milk + one cream these days in case you were wondering.

And usually, it's the best part of my day.

Often thinking about it as I lay down to sleep.

#crazycoffeechick

Life has been a whirlwind to say the least - I struggle to keep up most days.

Other days, are perfect.

Much like the ones spent in St. Lucia a short few weeks ago.

Ava Grace finishes a 2 week dance camp program today.

She's such a different kid than my other two.

Walked right in on the first day - no fear. By lunchtime, she owned the place.

I got to see their "camp end" performance yesterday and she giggled the entire time.

So proud.

I'm hoping she wants to continue the learning and start dance this fall.

Good for the soul.

She keeps me on my toes everyday.

You just never know what she is going to say next.

Like this past weekend when she woke up on Saturday, got herself ready and proclaimed 'I'm having a really good hair today.".

Really kiddo?

You are SEVEN.

#allthehearteyes

Julian starts 10th grade next month.

I still picture him as a little guy in his crib - standing up and smiling at me when I walked into his room.

The cliche is true. They grow up so fast.

And while each day feels long at times; the years are short.

I do miss the days where I knew exactly where he was at all times.

When I was his favourite no matter what.

And when he didn't talk back.

I have had a really difficult year with him.

One of the hardest in my life.

He, of all of the kids, is taking the separation and pending divorce the worst.

He just wants his family back together.

Misses his old house.

Just doesn't get why this had to happen.

He has done things that are too painful for me to talk about just yet.

For now, today, he is good.

We have many late night conversations him and I. Have grown very close through all of the pain.

And for that I am thankful.

I love him something fierce.

My heart literally aches when I look at him. 

Please say a prayer for my sweet boy - for strength. For guidance.

His heart is good.

My Isabella has had a ridiculously busy summer.

Between doing an additional course downtown to working an almost full time job in a local real-estate agency plus her seemingly never-ending social life this girl is BUSY.

Her boyfriend of one year goes back to school in London this weekend.

I anticipate lots of tears.

From her and me.

It is incredible to look at your child and see yourself.

And this kid is all me.

I'm not talking about her appearance - it's her soul. Her sensitivity. How quickly she can be brought to tears when speaking about things that are important to her.

The way she sleeps.

Thinks.

Truly incredible.

I tell her everyday how amazing she is.

And to never, ever change.

Not for anyone.

Me?

I am probably the happiest I have been in a very long time.

I feel like a caged bird that was set free.

I love being able to do what I want, when I want.

To not have to worry about pleasing anyone.

Or what to make for dinner.

My heart is very full.

And I have truly special relationships in my life that would never have been had this not happened.

I am excited for what the future will bring.

But for now, I have the most important thing in the world.

Peace.

Thanks for stopping by our little blog.

I know posting has been sporadic but I love this little space.

Happy Friday.

xo

A Week in St. Lucia

At long last, I've gone through the ridiculous amount of photographs we took during our recent girl's only trip to St. Lucia.

Know that it wasn't meant to be a girl's only trip.

Also know that my Julian refused to join us regardless of how many times I begged asked.

This destination has been on my own bucket list for some time.

Visions of the pitons had intrigued me for years - The Bachelor didn't help.

Let me tell you, St. Lucia is not close.

From Toronto, it a 5-hour flight followed by a minimum 1 hour and 30 minute shuttle to your hotel.

I will also tell you that is worth every.last.minute

  

 

We lazed on the beach.

We swam in the pool for hours. We couldn't get our little bathing beauty out of said pool.

We took a cruise to Soufrière where we visited a botanical garden and the infamous mud baths.

We drank far, FAR too many fruity frozen drinks.

We ate.

We foam partied.

We danced.

We carnivaled.

And best of all?

We created memories to last a lifetime.

Feeling blessed.

xo

On Father's Day : A Letter to My Dad

Dear Daddy,

Today is Father's Day. And while I know we should celebrate those we love every day, today just gives us all that extra reason to love on you.

Yesterday, I told the kids that we would go and see you first thing in the morning. Two teenagers - and no one complained about waking up early.

Because, you see, you reap what you sow.

And you, you sow only goodness. And love. 

They know innately how much you love them.

As did I.

 I hear my own birth story often.
You at home, waiting for news. {how crazy is that?!}
I envision you pacing but you were likely not. #toomanymovies
When the doctor called, he said "you have a beautiful little girl" albeit in croatian.
You screamed with joy through the phone. Letting out a huge whoop!
Apparently, it was the talk of the hospital.
I don't think dads were very vocal those days.

From the time I was just a little girl, I knew I had a special place with you.

You were a protector. Often protecting me from my own mother when she was upset with me for this or that.

Some would say that you were not the head of the household - they would be sorta right.

Mom ruled that roost.

But when it came to me? You always stood up to her.

I remember the time when I wanted roller skates SO badly. 

She insisted they were far too dangerous.

You bought them for me anyway.

Later, when I fell and almost killed myself? 

You picked me up - and we both planned out what we would say to mom to cover up.

It didn't go so well. 

Years later, my first boyfriend.

God...that was so hard for you.

It was like YOU were uncomfortable in your own house rather than he being nervous meeting you.

You liked him.

Often talking sports - 

I know we spent far too much time together.

That I got caught up and ridiculous.

First love has a way of making you crazy.

And when I decided to leave home in a fit of stupid anger? I broke your heart.

I will never forget how you cried. Asking me how I could do this to you.

I came back a short few months later.

But to this day, will never forgive myself for hurting you the way I did.
It remains one of the things I am most regretful of.

When cancer struck you some years ago, prostate, you were more afraid than anyone I had ever seen.

You weren't quite ready to give up.

And felt it best they just remove the whole damn thing for fear of it ever returning.

I was by your side through it all of course.

Know that we called you a big 'ol chicken behind your back. 

Because you were.

The operation was a huge success and you were up and urinating faster than anyone the doctor had seen before.

I swear it was because you just wanted to get the heck out of there.

I was probably right.

Today.

Today, you love my children more than you love yourself.
I suspect, more than you have ever loved anyone.
If Ava, God forbid, even mentions she wants this or that - a package of a specific gum, a hoola hoop - it is ALWAYS there by the time I pick her up.
Not sure how you do that.
On that note, you have been picking Ava up from school every day - personally, I think it has saved you.
Because we all fight that depression and anxiety demon.
And a lack of feeling true purpose often makes it worse.
I am glad I was able to give you that purpose.
And you do it with so much joy.

Daddy, saying I love you is not enough.
You are the first man I ever loved - and no one else could ever come close.
They wouldn't dare.
You are one of a kind.
The best of the best.
I truly don't know what I would do without you.
Even though I sense you preparing me all the time.

Volim te puno.
xo