Learning through the Process

Be warned.

This is a very personal post and one that has been burning inside me for some time.

It may not be what you have come to expect from this little space.

But I am different than I was before.

The softness than once was has somehow hardened - I believe pain can do that to a person.

The realizing that things you once thought were - are not. And will never be.

If you have read this post - you will know where I am at now.
When you decide to leave a marriage, I don't think you realize what the true outcome will eventually be.
I know I did not.
I did not think that a family that I knew for over 20 years would not offer a single ounce of support. Ever. Not a one.
You see, I never even got one single phone call to see how I was/am coping.
And that is ok.
But not to see how I am doing with 3 children in tow?
Unforgiveable.
They forget.
They forget all of the celebrations put together so lovingly.
The early morning conversations following a night of babysitting.
The support when they suffered similiarly.
The struggle of drug abuse and an auntie who stepped in big time and loved on that boy like he was my very own.
They forget.
It makes you question why you did things.
And though I did everything with an open heart - I wonder today if perhaps I should have held back.
Been not as true to myself as I was.

Friends you thought you had?
You may not.
My lifelong friend - one who has been a big part of my life since I was a mere three years old?
She has yet to see me a single time since hearing the news of our separation and pending divorce.
It has been a year and a half.
Is life really that busy?
Or do you truly just not give a shit?
Funny enough. She is a religious person.
I do not understand a religion that does not encourage support. Acceptance. And love.
I'm sorry.
No God would do that.

 And the father of my children?
That is all he has become.
He has thrown words like arrows.
Painful.
And doubts not only everything I say.
But everything I do.
Funny - it was more than good for 18+ years.
Now, apparently, I have become not just a different person.
But a different mother.
I pray for him.
For he knows not what he does.

I encourage you.
Take a good hard look at who is in your life.
Who will be there when the champagne isn't flowing - when you are not running around the kitchen like a mad woman trying to please everyone.
Really look.
Because life can surprise you.
And you might learn - you never really knew them at all.

Rant over.
It's Friday.
Thank God.
xo

Big love to my support system.
You are my six.
M.B.P.V.L.A.