Dear Julian : On Being Sixteen

 Dear Julian,

I'm not sure what I was so busy doing in early April but I realized that I missed my favourite thing to do for you - write your annual birthday letter.

Today, I looked at last year's letter - and was so shocked to see how many had stopped in to read.

It was then I realized I hadn't written this years.

So here it is.

I know it may seem silly to you that I write you and your sister's a letter every year but I this I know for sure.

1. When I ask you to read yours (which I will do tonight) - you pretend that you don't like it but I know that you secretly do.

And 2. One day, perhaps when I am long gone, or when you have a family of your own - you might, YOU JUST MIGHT, look back at these letters and if I'm very lucky? They may touch you just a little bit.

You are 16.

Sixteen.

You aren't ready to drive just yet. Even though I push to you to get your learner's permit. Mostly because I think it well have you feeling accomplished. 

Your anxiety gets the best of you sometimes but I promise you my sweet boy, that stuff gets much better when YOU are in control.

Do you remember when I suffered so much and would often take the wheel from your dad? Somehow, I felt better when I knew fate was in my own hands.

{now...if we could just do the same thing on an airplane!} 

School has been going much better this year - I know you would still rather be anywhere but there but still, you go. 

You say you're doing it for me. I'll take that.

But really, you are doing it for you.

You still hate to shower.

Hate wearing socks.

Hate anything green.

And have less than zero patience.

You still love playing video games.

Eating nachos.

Listening to the hardest rap imaginable.

And making your little sister crazy.

Me?

I still love you most of all.

And I still kiss you every morning when you pretend to be are asleep.

I can still bring myself to tears when I think about how much I love you.

And I still think you are the most beautiful thing I've ever laid my eyes on.

My Julian.

You will do great things one day - of that I am sure.

You just might kill me in the process. #lesigh

Love you beautiful boy.

Mama

xo

A Letter to my Son on his 15th Birthday

Dear Julian,

From the day you were born, you rocked my world.

Yes, I had already had a baby - your sister - but this? This was somehow different.

I was told by so many friends that a mother's relationship with a boy was truly something inexplicable.

 I doubted them.

There was no way I could love anyone as much as I loved the child I already had.

No way there could be that much love in me.

But I was wrong.

To say I was obsessed with you would be putting it mildly.

I loved you with every inch of my being. 

You were the happiest child - always smiling. In the mornings, you would lie in your crib (and later, stand up holding the wooden bars for dear life!) and SMILE.

I couldn't wait to sweep you up and start our day each day.

You were a great eater (still are!) and truly never gave me a hard time unless it was time to sleep.

You were having none of that.

I cried on friend's couches when they would let me.

So tired I could hardly stand.

Just as you would fall asleep and I would tiptoe ever so quietly out of the room - boom! You were up again.

I thought for sure those early months would kill me.

But somehow, we made it through. And eventually, you slept through the night.

Today, I can barely wake you up - and the snooze button? It's your new best friend.

#theytoldmetherewouldbedayslikethis

As a toddler, you already started to show your shy side.

Staying as close to me as possible at all times - not that I minded.

To this day, old friends and neighbours laugh about how I always had you in my arms. 

 Me carrying you with one arm, balanced on my hip, at ALL times.

Truth be told, I hated when people asked to hold you.

And secretly, I know you hated it too.

Boys and their mamas.

Today my son, as you turn 15, I can honestly say that you were the one sent here to give me a run for my money.

The difficult child. 

The moody kid.

I haven't yet truly figured you out - I don't think anyone has.

And yes, I get calls from school on the daily.

And yes, we know it's just not your thing.

And yes, I pray that this too shall pass.

But I also know, this I feel in my heart, that one day? One day you will surprise all of us.

Your wisdom amazes me even though it is tucked so deep inside of you.

My wish for you is that you will recognize your greatness - and use it for good.

Julian, I love you more than I will ever be able to express.

You are a piece of me and the mere smell of you makes me happy.

My son, you might just be the death of me but know that no one, NO ONE, will ever love you like your mama does.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy.

xo 

mom

Fourteen

Dear Jules,

It's hard to believe that my once baby boy is now fourteen.

It's equally hard to believe that my once baby boy is now taller than me.

Sometimes when you come up the stairs, I have to do a double-take. 
Sigh.

You were the sweetest child. 

Always happy, always smiling.

Today, you're shy. But get you at just the right moment? You will talk up a storm.
Share your dreams.
Your plans for the future.

I love those times.

You love your family.

And even though you hate being kissed or touched you always have a hug for 

your nana and your nonna. 

Whenever I call you, for whatever the reason and regardless of where you are, 

you end the call with "I love you". 

I swear you do it to make up for all the other times when you are driving everyone me crazy. 

Last night I asked you what the 3 most important things in the world to you are.

I listed them as...

FOOD.

VIDEO GAMES.

DRIVING MY LITTLE SISTER CRAZY.

I don't think I'm too far off.

And by the way, can you please stop eating like the world is ending? 

Thank you.

Oh, and PS. I love you! 

Wishing you the happiest of birthdays today.

14.

My baby.

xo

Thirteen

When Isabella was born, I never thought I could ever again experience a love like that.

And then, three and a half years later, Julian came to us.

Words could never do the feelings justice.

I was enthralled, consumed, amazed and utterly, hopelessly in love with him.

Everyone noticed.

Especially my mother in law.

I was crazy about the boy.