What Kind of A Mother are You?

I can honestly say that I was never the kind of a girl who thought about having her own children one day. Of being a mother.

Of being a wife for that matter.

But, funny enough, once I did get married, I wanted to have a baby that minute.

We were married in mid-November. Isabella was born in mid-October the following year.

I will let you do the math. 

 I still remember the very first moment I laid eyes on her.

The feeling of pure love.

I was smitten. 

And never as happy as I was at that moment. 

I loved every minute minus the lack of sleep of being her mom. I nursed her for just under a year until I had to go back to work. Thinking back, I still wish someone would have told me I could have pumped and stored milk for her. Continued longer.

Crazy I know.

All I ever wanted, all I will ever want, is the best for each of them.

When the time came for me to return to work, I had a very, very hard time with it even though she was being left with my own mother. In the best possible care.

The adjustment to a daycare/preschool program later on was much the same. I cried on my way to work on most mornings.

I rushed to pick her up every evening. I remember doing the math in my head numerous times a day. I dropped her off at 9, I pick her up at 5. She has been there EIGHT hours.

Eight.

It seemed like an eternity to me. 

And it never, ever felt right.

Women who would tell me they picked up just before closing were people I just couldn't wrap my head around.

I just wanted to be with my baby girl.

When Julian was born, it was much the same.

It might have been worse. 

Maternity leave praise God changed to a full year. I nursed him the entire time. And learned to pump and store.

To say I was in love with this little boy is an understatement.

My mother in law still talks about the craziness that was my love for Julian. Not kidding.

I felt like my heart would burst. 

There was nothing, no feeling that has ever come close.

Until Ava arrived. 

So many years later. And yet, I never did feel "done". 

While I am not a jealous girl, I had always been envious of one thing. Pregnant women.

This from someone who had extremely difficult i gained a ridiculous amount of weight and threw up every day pregnancies.

I was shocked. Surprised. And secretly overjoyed.

Once she arrived, I worried about everything for the first little while.

I was so anxious which was strange since I had already raised two children. 
But I enjoyed every moment of being a little older and wiser; able to appreciate each little moment.

And when the time came to return to work, it wasn't happening. Or at least not for very long.

The BEST decision I have ever made.

If someone was to ask me what kind of a mother I am? 
Protective.

The kind that loves her children more than anything. That puts them before most everything or at least considers them before every decision. And that hopes that one day, they will appreciate how crazy their mama was about them.

Right down to the incessant worrying.

Does any of this get easier when they're older? Absolutely. 

But, I still love to kiss them when they're sleeping. do not tell Julian. Will still get out of bed, even when it's ridiculously comfortable, to check in on them if I forgot to.

Will still cry when I watch their old videos or see a favourite photograph.

And will still count the minutes until I can pick up the littlest from preschool. 

Mother's Day photos / May 2014

Love you guys.

You are the best part of my day. Every day.
xo
mommy