Ava Grace's Closet: Losing a Mother
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Monday, June 2, 2014

Losing a Mother

Isabella and I attended the funeral of her best friend's mother on Saturday.
I have been in and out of a strange daze ever since. Here but not really here.
For moments, I forget that she was only 49.
That she was such a big personality.
So beautiful.
And leaving behind 2 equally beautiful children and such a loving husband.

I'm trying to forget that we never did get to have that solo coffee we texted back and forth about for weeks.
Trying to forget that during our last conversation, less than a week ago, we talked about a whole lot of nothing, like why our daughter's couldn't come home first and then go back out to their friend's houses.
Mom stuff.
She was such a mom. Always worrying.
Her best friend spoke at her eulogy and mentioned the fact that even from her hospital bed, she called to check up on homework. 
I remember this. 
I remember thinking I don't know if I would have cared to do the same if I were in her condition.

Life isn't fair. It's really not.
And while I try to focus on the end of her seemingly endless suffering, her being in a "better place", I still somehow cannot agree that this is it.
Ever few hours I say out loud to no one in particular, I can't believe she's gone.
Because I just can't.

Grief is a funny thing.
It comes in waves.
Her sweet daughter struggled so much during the days of visitation. She felt like she was being watched. 
Watched to see if she would cry.
Watched to see why she was wasn't.
And all along, I cried like it was my mother lying there so beautifully peaceful.
Finally free of pain and looking like she was in a restful sleep.
It's all just so overwhelmingly sad.

And now? Now what happens to this family?
No mother.
No one to worry about whether her daughter will come to my house when she gets off the bus before going home first.
No one to worry about whether she will make bad choices at parties.
No one to tell her that her skirt may be a little short.
No one to tell her that boys can be jerks.
Yes, she still has a father.
But there are some things that only a mother can do.
I spoke to a guidance counsellor at the girl's school this week who told me she too lost her mother at an early age. 
And that the pain never truly goes away.
Felt most on Mother's Day.
But that in time, the love for her own children helped her get past what felt like inconsolable grief.
I hope the same one day for sweet L. 
And in the meantime, I will step in and let her know if her skirt is a little short and what jerks boys can be.
When that happens, I hope her mama will smile down on me from heaven.
Because I know we would agree.

Always in our hearts + never, ever forgotten sweet K. 


  1. Dearest Susan,
    Oh my... what an ordeal. Human beings are at times so dazed and overwhelmed by grief and maybe JUST that is how we CAN survive! Love is tougher though and the safety-net will be spread over all. Like you intend to do, that is more than having that solo cup of coffee and you know your acts will be nodded upon from heaven down... It gives you encouragement and who knows; as an Angel up in heaven she might have very special powers she can use to still guide and love hers.
    Hugs to you especially on those dazed days. I'm having those even after coming home from The Netherlands. Guess it is a kind of grieving as I said goodbye to my Parents and not knowing IF I ever get to hug them again. Not easy and it takes me longer each time...

    1. I also felt that way leaving Europe this time around. Many tears as I am sadly almost certain I will not some of them ever again. Life is hard sometimes. Your words are always such an encouragement.

  2. This made me tear up. Thanks for this.
    xo Emma

  3. Oh Susan. There are no words. I'm truly sorry you've lost your friend. And I'm sad for your daughter's friend. But thankful for her sake that she can come to you in moments of need.

  4. I'm crying for you and this situation. And I'm calling my mom right now, even though she is on the other side of the ocean I know she is with me always, in the same way I hope that family feels her presence.

  5. Dearest Susan; my heart aches for all who are going through this. We just gathered this past week-end in memory of Paula - and I'm certain for her family and G. that the years do not lessen the emptiness her absence has left. With the blessings of family and friends her memory and all who she was - will continue on. I am certain that your friend will continue to live in all the memories you two shared. You were a blessing and a friend to her during her time on earth and will continue to be that blessings as you look out for her most precious gifts to the world - her children. Know too that your friend will continue to be with her family and (you) her closest friends - keep and open mind and listen for signs that she is near. Hugs and blessings, Celia M. (HHL)

  6. I have so many thoughts on this....this is just so.sad. and honestly not fair. I hate to hear people say that this is Gods will b/c I read the bible and God is love...he would never take a mother from her children or make a child parent-less....BUT he can take a sad situations and turn out blessings that we can't even fathom. I know that is exactly what will happen in this case. It is sad in this world we have hurt and want answers...hugs and prayers for you and this family!!

    “I have spoken these things to you so that you shall have peace in me. You shall have suffering in the world, but take heart, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

    1. I wholeheartedly agree my friend. I don't blame God, I really don't. I just want to see a cure for this disease in my lifetime. Please keep praying...I think the days following the initial shock are the toughest ones. xox

  7. I'm in tears for this poor family!!! Keeping them in my thoughts.

  8. Oh Susan! This really is such a wake up call to all us Mums out there & you are so right...theres only certain things a Mum knows! My love & sympathy goes out to you all! I lost my Mum when I was 27 & she was only 52! Your quotes are so touching & yes....step in & do the Mum thing for her when you can! Big Hugs & Kisses! xx


I love reading every last one. Thanks so much for stopping by our little blog. xo.