On Cancer

I had a much different post ready for today.  A lighthearted post about shopping for a new baby since I did that this past weekend. 

But, in an effort to be truthful to myself and to those who stop to read, I have cancer on my mind.

A friend of a friend who I don't really know that well was diagnosed. 

Stage IV. 

She is my age. 42. 42!

I still feel 27. And she? She has stage.four.cancer.

I find it unfair.

Scary.

Sad.

It is unfathomable. Unbelievable. I don't want to hear anymore.

I can't stop reading. 

I wake up thinking about her. 

I don't really know her that well.

I look at every.single.one of her face book pictures.

I do. 

I am not sure why.

One of my closest and dearest friends fathers.

Lung cancer.

He is 67.

It is found quite early. This is good.

They operate and remove 3 lobes on one lung.

They get all of the cancer.

And then, some time later, he starts to feel not so well.

The family actually thinks he might have had a stroke.

When in fact, it a brain tumor.

This cancer is like a monster. It hides and then when you least expect it, it pops up somewhere else. 

I envision it in his body. It travelling. 

What it looks like. 

I think that if I had cancer, I would want to see it once it is removed.

I think that's weird.

I receive a message letting me know that her appendix has ruptured.

It is likely caused by the cancer.

They are not sure what to do because of the cancer that surrounds the organ.

I am told they will wait for the oncologists to potentially operate.

I woke up yesterday morning thinking of her.

I picture the smiling face I saw on face book. And I have an overwhelming feeling that I am going to turn on my phone and get bad news.

I do not.

Instead, I find out shortly afterwards that she is in surgery.

Hopeful.

I also find out that what was originally thought to be stage IV ovarian cancer actually started in the colon.

I wonder if that is better. Or worse.

Or either.

At times like this, I think google can be your friend. Or your very worse enemy.

He had surgery last week.

My friend is so strong, she does not cry when she speaks to me.

But I can sense that she is not herself.

Monotone. 

I think about my own father and want to cry.

The surgery goes well. He speaks. He moves his arms. He is hungry.

She tells me it does not look pretty. 

I didn't imagine that it would. 

But for now, he is cancer-free. 

And she is cooking. And he is eating.

He will go home soon. 

And then, he will begin radiation since brain tumors do not respond to chemotherapy.

I never knew that.

I have been learning a lot of things about cancer that I never knew before.

The surgery is a success.

They have removed her ovaries. Her uterus.

The appendix.

We are not sure about the rest of the tumors that plague her still-young body.

We text and google. Google and text.

We text about what she should be eating.

What she should be drinking.
I wonder about everything I've eaten and drank. 

Her family has driven across country to be with her and I find an odd peace in knowing her mama is with her.

I don't know her very well but I know she is well-loved.

I also learn she is the baby of the family and that makes me sad. 

Further testing has discovered that the cancer has metastasized. I had wondered how it got from the lungs to the brain. I did.

They fear it may be in the lymph nodes.

Which would mean chemotherapy alongside the radiation.
Where does it end? How much more bad news?

I wonder what I would do.

If it were my dad. 

If it were me.

I hate cancer. 

I am dedicating this post to a man who could be my father and a woman who could be me. 

On Authenticity

If you look around you, at your family, your friends, neighbours...

tell me, how many truly authentic people do you know?

And by authentic, I mean, people who are true to who they really are. Aren't trying to "keep up". Aren't trying to outdo you. 

Aren't trying to outdo themselves.

Aren't trying to be something they're not. 

This topic of conversation came up recently between me and a dear friend of mine. 

We were talking about a family we knew and how much they had changed over the course of the last few years since becoming "more successful". It's interesting. When most people define success, they define it based on monetary achievement. 

I am guilty of it myself.

But really, what is truly important? 

These particular individuals seemingly forgot everything that used to be. 

It's sad really. 

If a person is so caught up in keeping up, do they lose who they authentically are? Are they so caught up with "things" and BIGGER and BETTER that they forget what is most important?

Would those same people be there for you if you were in need?

Don't get me wrong. 

I like nice things. Maybe more than the next girl.

But I would never.ever put those things in front of my relationships. Or choose friendships based on this. 

I love that I can sit in a room of my friends and that some of them have more shoes than any one girl really should. And that others could care less.

This is what makes each of them special. Different. Amazing.

I truly think that as I get older, I look at those who I want to be surrounded by differently.

Let's be honest here. We are all "fake" to some degree and by that I mean, we have to be cordial with certain people in our lives. Maybe fake is a strong word. 

Teachers at our children's school. Neighbours. 

Family members or extended family members who may not be your favorites. 

You know what I mean.

These are not the individuals who know your soul.

My true friends do. 

They know who I am inherently. 

They know that I may have a tough exterior but that inside, I am a marshmallow. 

And I in return know them. 

I am blessed. 

I am one of those girls who has friendships that have gone the long haul. 

Girlfriends who are more sisters than friends.

Authentic. 

'cuz Lord, if that crazy ain't authentic I don't know what is!!

 
This post was burning a hole in my mind. 

It kept coming to me and I knew I had to write it down so I wouldn't forget how I felt right now. 

And why in the last little while I have bowed out of not one, but two social engagements that would have had me sitting at tables with groups of women who I know are not what they appear to be. 

And honestly? I'm too old for it.

Happy Tuesday friends.

all images and quotes sourced via pinterest. 

Things I learned at 40

They say life begins at 40. I am not sure who they are but I will take this to mean that the understanding of life begins somewhere around 40. And this is sadly true.

Here is what I've learned so far:

• My mother WAS always right. She doesn't read this blog and I will never, ever admit this to her.
• Marrying your friend is far more important than marrying the best looking or most successful. I lucked out and got both. And today, I am thankful that when something happens - whatever that may be - he is still the first person I want to share it with.
• Red nail polish calls for the shortest nails you are willing to wear.

• Tattoos really are forever. And laser removal? It hurts. A lot.
• Having a baby at 39 really does keep you young. I highly recommend it.
• You can wear long hair at 40. REALLY long hair.
• I still hate to fly. I will always hate to fly.
• It is possible to survive on little to no sleep for 18 months. You will want to kill yourself but you will somehow make it through.
• You will be more anxious at 40. Cautious. The 20's were such bliss in their ignorance.
• Sleep is the best medicine. Laughter is a close second.
• I should have tried Dr. Pepper earlier than just this past Friday. Christina never told me it tasted like cherry coke. I love cherry coke. 
• Note to self: Blonde. Don't try brown, you will ALWAYS regret it. And always end up back in the salon going, you guessed it, blonde.

• True friends? Really true friends. Are incredibly hard to come by. Hold onto the ones that are worthy of the title.
• You will one day get irritated by how loud they play the music in the likes of Abercrombie and Hollister. Yes, even though you used to do the same and worse in your own car. 
• There are a few things that look good on no one. Blue eyeshadow is one of them. Spice colored hose is another. Followed closely by white shoes. A true friend would tell you that. 

Happy Monday!