Ava Grace's Closet: Things I Will Never Understand
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Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Things I Will Never Understand

The month of December was by far one of the toughest months I have ever had to endure.
Both physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I have never had to deal much with illness or death.
More specifically, I have never been this intimate with cancer.
Saw what it does to a person.
Saw what it does to a family.

I had heard other's stories, yes. But it never touched that close to home.
Even battles of some I have known were far removed. Yes, I heard about what they were going through but I wasn't actually involved.
It is different.
Until you are, you never really know or relate to what someone is truly going through.
In December, the dreaded disease,took away not one, but two of my closest friend's siblings within days of each other.
A younger sister. An older brother.
Both the only ones they had.
As I think about this a sadness creeps over me. Lingers.
I wonder why this cancer had to come. And never leave.
Rita was just 46.
She who battled Hodgkin's Lymphoma at a mere 20 years of age just to face terminal leukemia 24 years later.
Frank just 49.
He who lost his own father at the mere age of 6 to a brutal accident has now left his own 12 year old twins fatherless.
How is it fair?
How must a mother who buried her beloved husband at just 30 years of age now bury her own son? 

As I started to type these thoughts earlier this week, battling my third illness in six weeks , finally turning into pneumonia - I think of how lucky I am that it was not anything worse. I wonder what I would do if it was.
The image of Rita in the hospital ICU, just days before her death, struggling as a nurse helped her to get some consomme down haunts me. Her face looked so desperate as she nodded for more.
She wanted to get well so badly.
At her eulogy, the priest echoed all of our feelings of "we just don't get it".
He said that death does not come with a warning.
It doesn't knock on your door. Or ring a doorbell.
You won't see it announced on the radio. television.
Oh no. It comes quietly.
Like a thief.
And takes away what you love the most.
Frank was a beloved father of two.
He lived with a brain tumor for 15 years.
Some would say he was lucky. And in many ways he was.
Some don't even get this much time.
Cancer too doesn't come with much warning.
He fought with everything he had.
Surgeries. Trial medications.
Many only to prolong his life...never to save it.
They did everything they could.
And it wasn't, it couldn't be, enough.

Cancer did this.
It took away people who were loved.
And left behind those who will mourn their loss.
I question my belief during these times.
If God is there, why wouldn't he save Rita and Frank?
Why does such illness exist?
But the reality is, it does. As does war. famine. evil.
He can't control it all. 
But we can. 
We can move through life with grace. Remember what is truly important.
And though the pain eases and the harsh memory of suffering fades - we should never forget.
I believe herein the lesson lies.
I have to believe that.
Rest in peace Rita, Frank.
Until we meet again.

Today's post is dedicated to those who have been left behind.
Those who will suffer the losses the most.
My heart breaks for each of you.


  1. Thanks for sharing this, it is so tough, I lost my Dad to cancer when I was 23, he was only 44, then I watched my Papa, two years ago we found out my niece who was only 2 had it ( luckily she is now cancer free). Co workers, friends, this nasty C word has affected us all way to much. I love your words though, move through life with grace, that is how we live and how we deal.

  2. Dearest Susan,
    Loosing our friends and relatives is tough and like you already said; we will never understand the full scope of it.
    For that reason there has to be a better place after this life as in this life so many never got a fair chance...
    Hugs and love to you and your dear friends!

  3. This is just the worst. I watched a really great kirk cameron documentary called unstoppable .. he tackles the question why do bad things happen to good people and where is god in tragedy .. there are a few cheesy "acting" part but over all worth seeing ... it is on netflix. :O) hugs sweet friend!!

  4. I'm so sorry you've had to endure this. Sending positive thoughts your way! <3

  5. Im so sorry - I thought often of her and her family - felt for you and wished I lived closer - hugs to you my friend ox

  6. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your post is very timely for me. During the past two weeks I lost two amazing people who were very special to me. Death is difficult to understand. I love the word's the priest shared during your friend's eulogy. Thank you for sharing. My thoughts and prayers are with you. xoxo Tonya

  7. Oh Susan that is so sad. My deepest sympathies go out to you, your dear friend & her family. I lost my Mum to Cancer 13 years ago & it truly is a terrible disease. I went through the same emotions then as you are now. Sending you a massive hug Darl! x


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