The worst night ever. Almost.

When Ava was just a few days old and I was in the worst state of my post-partum craziness, we had to take a little trip to the E.R.

I was nursing. And each evening, I would take my sweet baby girl to my room and nurse her in my bed as she lay beside me. I always had a little white receiving blanket under her. 

This night was no different.

She nursed in the glow of just a nightlight. 

I watched her and watched the little pool of red form under her mouth.

And then, she spit up. 

Blood. A lot of it.

Pure.red.blood.

I called out to my husband.

Held the baby. Screaming like a wild woman now sitting in the rocking chair in her bedroom.

I was screaming something along the lines of "she's going to die". Repeatedly I think.

Post-partum at it's finest and not one of my prouder moments.

My poor Julian was crying right alongside me. Maybe louder.

We called my father who rushed over so we could take the baby to the hospital.

Sitting there, I remember being paranoid about germs because she was just so tiny.

They quickly took us in.

Having a 4 day old will do that.

Once inside, a young doctor greeted us. The baby was sleeping peacefully.

I was sitting on a chair staring at her.

He read the chart. Glanced at me.

And asked if if he could have a look at my breastfeeding mama breasts.

"How painful has nursing her been for you?" he asked.

I replied "pretty painful". Like clench your teeth.cry a little.scream sometimes.dread feeding times painful.

Especially when she was latching on.

He smiled. Smiled!

"Where do you think the blood came from dummy?" he asked.

"Ummmm, from me?" I asked. Although of course, I knew. 

A saner.not post-partum.didn't have another baby after 8 years me would have pieced this together. 

And not panicked.

But then, there would be no reason to begin calling Ava Renesmee.

Our little vampire.

In case you're wondering, I attended a breast feeding clinic the very next day where a lovely nurse showed me how to correctly latch little Renesmee.

And in a few days, the pain was all but gone.

A few weeks after that, so was my craziness. Sort of.