The Message

It didn't take me long to realize that there were signs being sent that I chose to ignore.

Taking too long to find the right nanny.

Feeling so unsure about that decision altogether.

The older kids never quite feeling comfortable.

My first day back at work was overwhelming.

Hundreds of emails to sort through. Many kind welcomes. Many visits.

But still...all I mostly did that day was look at my watch. Repeatedly.

I kid you not - I felt like running.

I envisioned it. I would pack up my laptop, books, files. Grab the few pictures and awards I brought along to make my workspace homey.

And then run.

Everyone would wonder what had happened to me.

"She was there a minute ago" they would say. 

I didn't run. But I did think about it again in the days that followed.

Especially the one where meetings started downtown at 8am followed by a team dinner which meant no Ava that day.

It just didn't feel right.

I've said before that I feel that our little miss was a gift from God. A last attempt perhaps to make us realize that how we were living our lives wasn't how it should be.

always running. always rushing. always telling the kids give me two minutes.

checking emails non-stop. working non-stop.

I extended my year-long maternity leave for an additional 6 months. Thinking that maybe at 18 months, it would be somehow easier to leave her.

Things would go back to the way they were. Nothing would change.
I would see my children for a few hours in the evening (if I was lucky) and on weekends.

And a message would go unheard.

My dear bloggy friend, Danielle, from Changing Lanes made a similar decision not that long ago.
She too had a fantastic job that she enjoyed.
And she too made the decision to leave it and look after what was truly important.
her little family
Her words to me struck such a chord ~ "I kept telling myself I may regret going to work...but I know I will never regret being home".

I resigned last Friday. Only 8 days in.
20 years of service. A substantial income. 6 weeks of paid vacation. Great benefits.
Gone.
And yet, I have never been so sure of something in my life.
It feels so good to have clarity.
And it feels extra good to know that when Ava calls for mama after nap, I WILL be here.

Thank you for praying for me sweet Danielle.
It worked.
And I heard.
Finally.